marking 30th

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At the age of 22, how nice it was to be fresh out of college, and about to embark on a volunteer gap year in Europe. I felt my life had just started, I was hopeful, grateful, and that everything had all come down to this point. Undoubtedly, my following years were beautiful.

When your life is full of excitement and happiness, you feel generous. So was I.

I decided to share it with myself, in the future. Thus, the letter to my future self with all the questions I could think of, with the predictions, with my young hopes. I was hyped for my life at the age of 30, assuming that life could only have more to offer and never the opposite.

And the song, a cute little reminder, I thought.

….

On my 30th birthday, I received a letter from myself on July 23, 2018. I played the song like she asked. But words felt empty.

People on the airwaves always preach who I should be
How to dress, how to talk
Baby, how to breathe…

I have realized now that people are just people. There isn’t “me vs the world”. It is indeed “me vs myself”. At the end, it’s turned out to be me, my mind – the most difficult judge to myself. The world would be kind if I am kind to myself.

Then the questions and speculations she wrote. How should I answer them? That half of the things have been gone. That life does take things away from you. That nothing is certain. That she should stop having her hopes up?

I stay silent.

So my younger self, she can stay hopeful. She will slowly figure the world around her as she walks. She has her own song to sing. She doesn’t need no warning. And when she reaches 30, I hope she will stand still against adversity. She will do things her way. She will find comfort. Importantly, no matter what happens, she will stay honest and kind, especially to herself.

bear it

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ok, so it is one of those days that feels heavy. every movement, every force, every effect from things, people, phenomena feels heavy. right now the air from the ac, the light wind from the fan, the light, the sound of the silence in my room all seem heavy.

i think about the general picture of my life that is vaguely sad, gray and off track. that things keep piling up more and more as the days passing.

that I have no choice but to take them all.

i can’t exit. there’s no way out.

i’m stuck.

i think about ending it all a lot. but there’s nothing i can do, i will cause pain. i understand pain; therefore, i can’t just disappear.

so i will just write it down and hope the feelings will go away. i will just observe and see how they evolve. it’s just one of those days that feels heavy.

Quay lại một vòng (full circle)

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experience love

Isn’t it funny that we* go in rounds, from being happy (as a kid) because we get to exist and experience, to

“am I likeable?” to

“why should I care?” to

“maybe I can just fake that I didn’t care” to

“maybe I do care and that is ok” to

“maybe I can just be myself?”,

and anything in between, to then realizing that it is probably the best to just be content with where we are regardless of people and things.

****we: refers to myself and I.

dear young artists,

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dear young artists,

the world is harsh and judgmental. you may or may not listen to those critics but please do not stop creating. because, if it matters, i see you.

they say that you’re “unsophisticated” because you’re “inexperienced”. and it might be true. but for whatever being “inexperienced” means, your opinions, your feelings are valid. even if you haven’t seen all the shades that there are in the world, yet the one shade you see, you see it. and you paint it beautifully. in its truest form.

they say that you’re dreamy. that life is more than what you see from your window. and so be it. be the dreamy, the ambitious creator that you are. as your work is your very own point of views, people can bring their stained glass windows elsewhere. there will be ones (including me) interested in what you have to say, in the exact milestone that you’re at.

they say that you’re too dark and depressing. that you’re too sensitive. as if that’s a flaw. i don’t see nothing wrong in feeling deeply (the ability to feel deeply to be exact). i only see how much you have to share, if you want to. and if you do, i would love to feel it with you. whether all of it or part of it.

they say you cling too much to love, that life has more to offer. but all i see is you having the time of your life. you care about people. you love. you are able to love, purely and passionately. there is nothing more beautiful than love. and even if that love causes something in you. it is love.

they say you’re unoriginal. your work is unoriginal. or what they really intend is, your work echoes the human experience. you’re part of the collective consciousness. and from there you’re experimenting. you’re evolving. you’re creating what belongs to you and to many others.

i may be no body or i may be many. knowing that you are heard and you are appreciated. the world is harsh but it’s also worth exploring. i hope you find kindness and courage to keep creating, making and advocating for what you believe in.

sending much love ❤

anh

a gentle reminder

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at the end of the day…

I reblog this to remind myself about the naturalness of things. As I tend to overanalyze and overgeneralize, especially in this turning chapter of my life – where new people enter, new relationships spring, it is easy to form judgements and sail into negative feels. The way to deal with this problem is to ground my mind and my heart with compassion and empathy, understanding that whatever the people do, they just want to be happy.

Trust people’s inner wisdom and their compass of happiness as much as you trust yours.

ăn vạ

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nhiều khi tao muốn huỷ diệt cả thế giới và sự tồn tại của chính tao. tao không hiểu sao con người (tức là tao) có thể sống mà vờ như không biết chuyện gì đã, đang và sẽ xảy ra với cái cuộc đời thối nát này.

tưởng tượng chúng mày đang chơi một game nhập vai, và nhân vật, cốt truyện là kết quả của những lựa chọn xuyên suốt game. rồi đến một level nhất định, chúng mày nhận ra những cái chúng mày đã chọn khiến cho các chỉ số của nhân vật mất cân bằng, thế là chúng mày tắc mãi ở một nhiệm vụ. thì lúc này, chúng mày có restart và chơi lại từ đầu không?

là tao, restart hoặc đếch chơi nữa.

chỉ số kiên nhẫn của tao: 2/10. tao đang dần hết kiên nhẫn với bản thân, hết kiên nhẫn với game đời. quá nhiều đau thương và mất mát. tao giận bản thân vì đã chọn ngu. ngu từ lúc quyết định chọn chơi trò chơi cuộc đời.

tất nhiên là tao hiểu rằng sẽ có những lúc tao được trải nghiệm thứ gì đó hay ho làm tao muốn chơi game tiếp. nhưng ở entry này, tao cho phép tao được đối diện với sự hận thù. cụ thể ở đây là hận đời. tao cho phép bản thân được đi vào những ngóc ngách tối nhất của cuộc đời mình và hận.

tao hận những diễn biến cuộc đời mà ông trời ném cho tao như thể chỉ để tạo nút thắt cho câu chuyện. tao hận bản thân không đủ giỏi, đủ kiên nhẫn và minh mẫn để tháo cái thắt nút đó. và vì sao không đủ giỏi và minh mẫn để tự vực dậy? do bẩm sinh? do nuôi dạy? do xã hội? do…đời?

“nhờ” những diễn biến đó mà giờ hiện thân của tao là một tổ hợp các combo không thể tự huỷ diệt hơn: yếu đuối, nhạy cảm, nhút nhát, sợ hãi, sợ người, sợ việc, sợ thất bại, sợ bị ghét, sợ bị cướp lời, nói nhanh, nói lắp, tự ti, tự kỷ. và tao luôn cảm thấy mình như một đứa trẻ con bị đẩy vào thế giới của người lớn (hoặc thế giới của những đứa trẻ con giả vờ lớn).

bị đẩy vào đó thì có gì mà phải sợ? nhân sinh nghi ngờ nhau, lợi dụng nhau, tự hại nhau, hại luôn cả những sinh linh khác. là một level game mà ai cũng phải chơi để khẳng định vị trí của mình – vị trí (giai cấp) quyết định sự sống còn của mỗi cá thể và mọi thứ đều được quy đổi ra xu. nhiều lúc đi trong dòng người tao chột dạ rằng tao đang đi giữa một dòng những ẩn số mà không ai có thể đoán là họ sẽ làm gì tiếp theo. và ở cái thời đại ăn ngủ cùng điện thoại, tao luôn được nhắc nhở về sự tàn nhẫn và sức phá huỷ của con người.

bình thường tao sẽ cố kết thúc một blog entry bằng cái gì đó tươi sáng. nhưng lần này tao sẽ để đó. sự hận thù không có hồi kết. tao chấp nhận là hôm nay tao hận đời. còn ngày mai tao có hận hay yêu đời là việc của ngày mai. f*ck ngày mai.

Letter to myself on April 9, 2025

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the life I’ve lived

Dear little Anh,

It is Anh from October 10, 2025, exactly 6 months later into the future. I came across your blog entry and have decided to write to you, to say that I am sorry and everything will be ok.

You are feeling defeated. I get it. You are in a strange land and working hard to find your own place, with everything that is happening all at once, yet nothing seems to go as planned. You probably regret your decision from day one. It’s been exhausting. You know, and you have known it all along: you need to slow down and rest.

You are feeling lost. Getting lost right there at the crossroad is ineffably hard, especially that you have been in the same situation in the last two years. But it is because that you care so much and you give yourself so much pressure as a learned habit. Thus it is understandable that you feel that way. I am sorry, my little Anh, and I wish I could be there to take that pressure away from you, to tell you that whatever decision you make is meant to be.

You are feeling heavy. You are sensing a big pull from your family in Vietnam. You miss Mom. You carry so so much love. For now, I can tell you that you have made the right call to come home. Please enjoy your time with Mom. Please take care of her, for me. Please tell her that I love her so much, tell her that we love her. No matter what will happen, just remember that she loves you too – even if you don’t love yourself. Mom is always with you, wherever you go.

I can’t spoil the future yet but all I can tell is that, life will be tough but you will push it through. You will find something that will make sense of everything. You will meet new lovely people. You will start a new journey that you would never expect. Your loved ones will always be with you. I will be with you too, just speak up…

Who works well under pressure!?

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To be extremely honest, I do not work well under pressure. Well yes, I work under pressure, I can tolerate stress, but sometimes I barely make it.

I’ve seen some people even claim to “thrive” under pressure. Do they? Or what they really mean is: I am able to mitigate the stress and maintain a certain level of effectiveness under any kind of constraints? What I really want to see is how the results are, compared to when they work without those constraints. Do they really work better or best under pressure?

And I imagine how those people would be if there is no pressure or stress. They must be work monsters smashing task after task. Their mind is free. They see things clearly. They make best decisions. They even enjoy their work!

What a world of performative fools are we living in! I see that we are still far from moving away from all that capitalist performative culture. To whoever is claiming to work well/best under pressure, are you well? To corporates, organizations, can you stop asking your candidates if they work well under pressure. The science says it: no one thrives under pressure due to stress, cognitive impairment, illusion of “inspiration”, etc. (just google it!). So all you will receive will be no more than just an answer in an interview. Besides, having pressures of any kind exist in your company means that there are systemic problems.

Let’s just be honest. We are humans, not work machines to need mechanical pressure engineering us.